In the summer of 2021, we started trying for our second baby. I felt the magnitude and excitement of that quiet, but colossal decision to expand ourselves and our family into an unknown space.
In 2022, we had 3 miscarriages in a row. Losses that felt so heavy, so confusing, so foreign.
For each positive test, we began dreaming, hoping, and planning for those little lives to enter our world. Only for those dreams to end in heartbreak and extreme lonliness.
The tail end of 2023, we finally got pregnant with our miracle baby girl who will be joining our family so soon.
If you are experiencing the wait, the loss, the heartbreak, the confusion that infertility brings… you are not alone. There is hope and an army of women cheering you on!
- What this brief story doesn’t show are the months and months (and months!) of negative pregnancy tests.
- It doesn’t show the tragic moments of loss- the bleeding, the physical pain, the baby on the ultrasound with no heartbeat, the surgery, the recovery.
- It doesn’t show the amount of times I was poked and prodded and turned into what felt like a human experiment.
- It doesn’t show the moments I was curled up on the floor in paralyzing sadness.
- It didn’t show my (unhealthy) obsession to taking my vitamins, avoiding sugar, and thinking anything slightly unhealthy was the reason it wasn’t happening for us.
- It didn’t show that each time I got a positive pregnancy test (4 times!!!) I was no longer excited. Just scared.
- And it definitely doesn’t show that I am STILL battling some intense worry about my current pregnancy. Hoping and praying everything goes okay and we get this baby here safe & sound.
The darkness I felt throughout these past few years taught me so much about myself, but also about empathy. And being sensitive to what others may be going through. I think “grief” is universal in a small way. I’ve never met anyone who has the exact same story as me, yet it has been a bolster for me to connect with others who have gone through/are going through similar experiences.
Claire was that for me. She still is. Claire experienced her own battle with infertility (I’ll let her open up on that if she wants to) but always knew just what to say to me. She was a safe space. I called her late at night in a puddle of tears- multiple times. She always picked up. She always sat with me. She would share (what I can only describe as) inspired messages of wisdom and hope. I always left our conversations feeling a bit better.
We both want to be that for you. My hope is that this will reach people who need it. Who need that support and love. And possibly a sliver of hope for their own journey. Please send this to anyone you know who is currently battling some form of infertility/miscarriage and tell them to reach out.
